1600+ / 48

No more job. Still trying to decide if I resigned in the face of layoffs or was laid off outright.

At any rate, we're good for a few months of this before the situation becomes really desperate. I'm riding the bike about 10 miles/day. Also joined the gym and worked out there for the first time today. Really wanna be done with the "hate handles," as with the Addiction That Dare Not Speak Its Name, and this will help with both - and with general sense of well-being during these difficult times...

My new standard bike ride is nothin' to write home about - hence no blogging - but it is enough to keep me in reasonable bike-shape. Need, however, to exercise other parts of my body than my legs!

Holding at 1561 for now / 38

Rain. Good, long, hard, help-you-sleep rain, pattering all night outside the open window, making a nice clean smell inside. I actually slept thru my usual weird 1:30am wake-up. Woke briefly for the usual 3:30 non-event, but ultimately managed to sleep to 5 - latest I've slept in several days!

MUST join gym now. Sit-ups are helping the "abs," but dunno about "love handles" - I don't think there's an exercise that reduces those, other than overall sweating-out stuff. Be that as it may, weighed in today 11 lbs under my weight at the Dr about two months ago - so now a svelte and compact 214. More, I *feel* "muscular." Not Schwarzenegger-muscular, but maybe closer to Linda-Hamilton-muscular (which really is more my ideal anyway), like there's less fat and more muscle on me, like I have actual *strength*. MUST join gym to maintain this through the rainy season.

Have another book to edit. 88 pages. Should get me through today better than yesterday.

Halloween tomorrow: a night that at times carries for me a boatload of "triggers." I spent a few consecutive halloweens going to the exotic-erotic ball, which had already become something less than its original concept by then, but was still pretty fun insofar as it was one night I could dress up in drag and probably not get beaten up. Even at time looked pretty good, and might even have "passed," as they say. Six or seven years ago, went with a girl on whom I had an unrequited crush... Steve, in auburn wig, black lace teddy, leather mini, lime-green fishnets over purple tights, high-heeled ankle-high boots, with assorted chains and leather hanging on here and there - Pat Benatar meets Stephanie Powers. Or something. Wobbling along with a drink in one hand and a cig in the other, flirting with everything that moved and some that didn't.

You know, no regrets, but also no need to revisit. A period in my life that I look back at now with a mixture of "awe," "aw, shucks," and "awful." Be that as it may, H'ween can STILL (obviously) be a night for drinking and all that goes with it. One of those nights where you get the day off in advance NOT really because it's your birthday but because you know you're gonna wake up late, with a need to assess the damage! How nice, to sit home with a bowl of candy, half-hoping no kids show up so we can eat it all...

It's a strange and wonderful new life. I'm slowly getting used to it.

~1561 / 37

Pretty much a five-mile sprint (well, MY version of a sprint, slightly faster and sweatier than my normal speed) Friday to get to the bus. Slight chance of rain today - any excuse to avoid the usual bike ride! WILL join the gym this week.

Pretty good weekend. No biking, but nice hike on Saturday; pure laziness on Sunday.

The Addiction That Dare Not Speak Its Name, and Life, have thrown me a variety of curveballs (AND spitballs, AND sliders, AND...), but it seems like previous battles with TATDNSIN did prepare me somewhat more for this time, and I'm also going through a whole lot of other crap that seems, in a way, to strengthen my resolve. "That which doesn't kill you blah blah blah." Every single moment is an opportunity to succeed or fail, and trite as it seems, one moment at a time wins the hour/day/week/month.

Still, I often want to just curl up in a ball and hibernate through the next three or four months.

Sleep has been weird, of course. I seem to wake each nite at 1:30 and 3:30, before waking and getting up at 4:30 -- the earliest I can stand to allow myself to get up. On weekends, I then fade again at 12 or 12:30 in the afternoon and again around 6. This will pass, but it's freakin' annoying NOW.

Work should be picking up somewhat now. Being busy will help, I think. I dunno. Sometimes I question why I am doing this. I was on a somewhat pleasant path to oblivion with nothing standing in my way and here I have to go on this self-improvement kick -- for what?

Circular logic: I do it so I can continue to do it.

1556.5 / 34

Took the Pleasant Hill route, which may or may not become a Friday tradition. My hands are not working too well at the mo' - specially my right hand which almost never leaves the grip due to the fact that the rear brake is on that side.

After waking at 3:45a, waited as long as I could stand so I wouldn't be riding in the dark the entire trip, 30 sit-ups, too, besides crunches I (tried to) do last night while watching football (the least I can do, for all the effort the *players* put in, right?). I have "washboard abs" - if you count washboards that have been flattened by a steamroller and then dented into a convex shape...

Left at 6:15 or so, still dark AND (very) foggy, so I didn't see the sun 'till the last five miles.

On Bloomfield, a ghostly grey fox (or small coyote?!) crossed the road ahead of me - not as close as the "Masked Avenger" flying raccoon, but close enough to see in the pea soup and the dark.

I need fog lights! I had a cone'o'cloud directly ahead of me for the first ~10 miles, and had to constantly brake on the downhills (thus losing a lot of time and momentum) because I couldn't see the actual road surface ahead. When a car would pass, i could briefly see farther, but then dark again.

Have I mentioned the smell of apples on Pleasant Hill? Man, I don't even like apples that much, but it's like when you slice into a fresh crisp apple, that smell, as you pass (some of) the orchards... Really a treat!

By the time I hit Petaluma-Valley Ford, I am pretty much drenched from the fog. Didn't wear glasses, which bugs me because I like SOMEthing between my eyes and the occasional errant acorn, but at least I could see - which prevents errant ME from hitting a whole shitload of acorns!

Coming up Pepper Road, finally, rays of light shooting out of holes in the fog and between the trees, like in a religious painting - "holy cows" uncaring in the fields below - but it IS friggin' inspirational! Day 35, FIVE WEEKS, of a hard-fought battle, and what I'm doing right now is part of a direct benefit of my fighting of that battle. This is a big part of why I'm doing it, and a big part of why it's working. Circular logic.

To the showers!

~ 1532 / 33

For those who came late, the first number is the current odometer reading on my bike (mileage since about June 5, 2000), and the second number is the number of days since (huh, Norton Antivirus just opened a second instance and started scanning, sheesh!!) since we quit the Addiction That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Pleased to now be in day 35 of this.

To be fair, I manually started the first instance, and I must have it set to automatically scan at 7am.

Drove to work; still dark when I got here around 6:30. Starbucks' Venti Latte, the addiction that dares to speak...

Looking at a pretty much empty work day today, except for meetings.

Among other things that I've recently gotten from Amazon, the videos from Spike Jones' TV show! These just crack me up. By the time I got to Volume 4, some of the sight gags were old, but there were actual laugh-out-loud parts in every one of 'em. Don't know that they'll wear well, but they certainly got me out of Tuesday's funk. Maybe I should go ahead and get "The Spike Jones Story."

1527.8 / 32

Not gonna bother tracking the times anymore. Some miles are longer than others, and I have an optimum speed that I do (about 13, 14mph), and I'm comfortable. Great sunrise this a.m. Got a couple pictures, undoubtedly post somewhere later. Slightly different route, so minor it's not even worth describing, but it's nice to have one more option. Today the ride was very easy, other than starting out in the dark - I'd really rather not do that. Something not quite right with the overhaul - (new) chain slips a click every now and then, esp. in 3-8 (hardest gear), which is of course not good after sinking another $80 into maintenance I otherwise wouldn't notice.

I will cautiously say that the depression has lifted... Of all the things that might help combat this, Spike Jones and felafel (sp?) seemed to do it for me last night. But also, making myself find something positive, however miniscule and stupid, DID actually help patch up the holes through which large chunks of not-happy were coming.

1511.5 / 31 / na

Two rides off-road: Loma Alta again Sunday and Bolinas Ridge again Monday. Both rides kicked my ass; I went less distance than previous visits in both cases. Still, I suppose every horizontal mile and vertical foot does some good.

Huge ugly depression the past few days. Not gonna get into it here because talking about it tends to = dwelling on it, which tends to make it worse. Head down, shuffle forward...

The positives:

• A full month away from The Addictions Which Dare Not Speak Their Names, and no strong desire to restart either.


• In the same time, lost 7 or 8 pounds.


• Doing situps now when watching football; so sick of this beer belly.


• Haven't been watching football much.


• Money in the bank - a new experience for me.


• Not very hungry=lose yet more weight! Ate one small meal yesterday and almost puked THAT up.

Hey, you get your positives where you can! May think of more, but cling to these for now. When this thing first hit me, I figured it was just one of the dips one can expect when getting clear of a 30-year addiction. It has now gone on for more than three days, and I begin to think maybe I should get in and possibly move on to Thorazine, or at least adjust my existing anti-dep dosage. Spending a great deal of time on Quitnet, which seems to help marginally, if only to make me try to focus on the problems of others instead of my own.

But it pisses me off, because I feel I'm doing EVERYthing right - up through Friday, I felt really great - and yet am still running up the down escalator. Head down, shuffle forward.

1500.5 / 27.5 / na

Fair enough, took the bus home. Here's this morning's ride (the "Pleasant Hill" link).

1495.1 / 27 / 120+

Yes, that's at or over 25 miles this morning. That's how sick I am of 116, Roblar, and Stony Point. This 25-mile ride effectively avoided all three, at the cost of 9 more miles and a LOT of big and little hills. But also with the benefit of seeing:
- across the valley to Mt. St. Helena, tule fog clinging to the lowlands, orange sun just breaking the horizon (Pleasant Hill Rd)
- fog and sunlight mixed (Roblar after Canfield)
- An egret standing calmly next to a sheep (Walker Rd)
- wide shoulder or near-zero traffic, pretty much all the way
- Hawks and harriers and kestrels, oh my (all over)

Some of the time, riding my bike is like the times when I was younger, hitching... and I'd just be walking along an empty road someplace, waiting for a car to pass, not caring all that much if I did or didn't get a ride. My thoughts wander all over the place (and I thought I'd have a lot to write this morning), but if you stopped me and asked me what I was thinking during those 2+ hours I couldn't tell you. Hate to get all new-wavy-gravy (and what the f890 *is* up w/that, anyway, "wavy gravy," what a name to give yourself and live with for 40 years; what a maroon!), it's a lot like meditation, I suppose.

It *is* easier to do these explorations in the mornings. There is less wind, it's cooler, etc. I could *never* manage the reverse of this morning's route on one of those hot windy afternoons!

And so I close in on 1500, a LOT quicker than the first 500 or 1000...

(Yesterday evening) 1471.6? / 25.5 / 90+

Man, that wind just kills me. I feel like such a wimp when it slows me down, and I'm all whining and groaning up some hill. It wasn't windy out at like 2:00 and I was thinking I could try a different route where I'd avoid some of the annoying 116; then at 4 it's like 100mph straight in my face and all I want to do is be done with it. I should do my exploring of different routes in the morning, eastbound, when there's no wind or it's at my back.

Have thought for quite a while, seriously, that the more often I do this ride, especially that stretch of Roblar Rd., the more likely I will die or be seriously injured on my bike, most likely from an errant driver. I also need to "cross-train" if I want to be more all-around fit than just having huge leg muscles. I sorta hit a peak two weeks ago by doing 120 miles - I could do more, but for any permanent benefit at that level, I'd have to do it *every* week. And in spite of all this pedalling (about 350 miles in 25 days, avg 15/day, if you're keeping track), my belly is not getting noticeably smaller. And the rainy season will start any day. Plus, there are so few options on this ride, it will get boring. I also hate the fact that I have to commit to 90 minutes/16 miles or ~30 minutes/5 miles -- no in-between -- if I'm gonna ride at all. In a 90-minute span, the weather can change pretty drastically 'round here. Heh, supplemental to yesterday's lists, "Reasons Not to Ride At All"! So, guess I'll be checking out the gym soon.

Feel like, after almost 4 weeks clear of That Thing Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, it *is* getting a bit easier, and things *are* getting back to "normal." I'm able to concentrate somewhat more on my work. My two daily walks have become "necessary," but those two 15-minute breaks merely replace the 8-15 3-minute breaks I used to take in the course of the day.

1455.6 / 25 / 90

We Bad. It was actually just starting to get light in the east when I pulled up to work today.

Reasons to ride to work in the dark:

- less traffic
- lights make you more of a "sore thumb" than in daylight
- vehicle lights allow you to see them coming from behind
- cooler
- no sun in face, or faces of drivers coming up behind you
- can go home earlier

Reasons NOT to ride to work in the dark:

- fog makes it impossible to ride with eye protection
- can't see more than about 60-80 feet
- can't see gratings and other road-colored hazards till you're almost on top of 'em
- can't see around curves
- can't go over about 20mph (with visibility provided by current headlight)
- can't take eyes off road for a second
- tunnel-vision from not taking eyes off road
- dying raccoon flung, rolling, in front of you on the shoulder by passing car that hit it
- skunks and opossums running in front of you under their own power
- worry about lights running out of juice
- warmer
- Starbucks no less crowded

All in all, not really something I'd want to do all the time, but not too bad.

Frigid Bonehead's Diarrhea (2001): Not bad, really, I just like playing with the names (and hey, *they* used "diarrhea" to describe her M.O., not me!). Quite funny at times. Unfortunately, I'd expected it to be more "liberated" somehow - I mean, women I know talked about the book as if it was something new and different, and it's just this poor girl worrying about becoming a spinster and doing Mr. Wrong while waiting for Mr. Right - a plot as old as the hills, and not very P.C., either. Renee Zellweger is always charming with her funny half-shut eyes and tacky zebra-print underwear, but there's nothing earth-shaking here, just a light romantic comedy. "Whippy" plays himself, a Certifiably Annoying Twit. I'd probably have liked this more - or avoided it all together - if I hadn't been expecting more.

1439.9? / 24 / ~90

Pretty sure that was my mileage when I pulled in last night, but I thought did just the standard 16.4 mile ride...

Windier than usual, and the ride seemed longer, but actually it was about the same as usual. Finding that I can power up hills better - which stands to reason, I suppose, after the steeper hills of recent off-road rides. Roblar in particular is a stretch I never look forward to, but it really wasn't that bad once I'd done it. Thing is, I might start out in the highest gear, and then as the climb starts I reluctantly downshift one or two notches, and then the wind hits me full on and I'm a couple MORE notches down - it just kills all momentum, physical and mental. I do find now that I'm not quite as totally beat on that last stretch through Sebastopol and home.

A few bad moments with the Addiction Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but nothing bad enough to make me start again. I get uncomfortable in my own skin, feeling very intensely that something is missing - and I take a walk, or eat or drink something, or whatever. I know the actual missing thing will not help. Even when I was using it regularly, one was never enough. Often required two or three in a row just to feel sated with it - for 15 or 20 minutes, anyway. What's missing was missing before I ever started THAT stupid thing, and that's what I'm dealing with now. I cannot stress enough how much the riding and walking has helped. I feel like I've made a complete 180 from self-destructive, apathetic, depressed to health-conscious, intensely emotional, and seeing a future. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't honestly see any difference, but I see it in other people seeming to notice me, when previously I SO effectively managed to fade into the background that I did so pretty much all the time without even thinking about it, and generally thought of myself as invisible. Now I have a "presence" that is very new - I've actually had it before, in "manic" moments and when I was on anti-depressants before... So it's probably partly the Wellbutrin - but I think it's mostly the exercise. At the same time, as is well-known, I am generally more edgy than usual, affected more by things, more likely to be emotional and more willing to "get into it" when I am...

No ride today, though. Will take film in from Saturday's hike and do other car-required stuff. Brought in a fresh towel - nice, the "little" things! Tomorrow, a day-long meeting in that other city, but if I can get up early enough I'll ride in here and pool with someone else down there.

Man, last night's Cowbores and Deadskins football game was one of the dullest in MNF history, probably. Buddy and I slept through the fourth quarter.

DSL down this morning - I can count the times this happened with cable on one hand, but it's already happened several times with DSL - very disruptive to my routine of checking news, forwarding the daily cocktail, etc., and I have to head out (albeit early for a change) "empty-handed."

1422.9 / 23 / na

Started a page of links to our various hikes and bikes. On the way out today, saw the bus sitting there, and it was too good to pass up, so I rode it to SSU, biking the mere five miles to work from there.

There are some severely challenged people riding those busses, including those who are generally acknowledged as having "challenges," and those who have perhaps slipped through the institutional cracks, so to speak. I suppose I should be kind, and open-minded, and tolerant, but y'know, for the most part they *do* give me the willies, and I really hate having some guy grunting, moaning, and drooling in the seat right behind me, and not knowing what he's gonna do next. Meanwhile, he's "conversing" with another ward-of-the-state across the aisle, in a very repetitive, barely sensible conversation which focuses mainly on the fact that he has given the other fellow a red lighter and the other fellow can have a light now for his three (3) cigarettes, and he gets two checks, one at the workshop and one at home in the mail which the mailman brings, and he has given the other fellow a red lighter... And I'm thinking, if this is where smoking gets you, maybe I should quit or something.

Petaluma Hill Road is boring, with heavy traffic and a bit of a headwind, but has mostly wide shoulders and is blessedly short from SSU to Penngrove.

1417.6 / 22 / na

Biked most of yesterday's hike - not as hard as I thought it would be, and fun. Brought plenty of water this time, but was out in the sun for a much shorter period, so didn't need as much.

Did figure out that we probably would have had to turn back if we'd tried to do the loop. Also figured out, I think, that we didn't actually do "Drake's Head," which is on *top* of the bluff, whereas we went down one of the valleys. I didn't go all the way out to the "Head," figuring we'll do it together sometime.

1410.4 / 20.5 / ~100

What the hell, eh? Take the longest and worst route home, 14 miles up Stony Point to the bike path and 5 more miles on that. Stony Point just completely totally sucks, riding into the wind, with constant traffic. Plus it's like 90 degrees out. Still, MUST GET THOSE MILES, esp after being a pig all day with chocolate et al., fighting off the Craving Whose Name Will Not Be Mentioned, But Which Perhaps Has Lessened Somewhat, Lo, These Three Weeks.

I was getting bored with the standard route, especially that part of Roblar with the narrow shoulder. Now I appreciate it more again...

1410.4 / 20.5 / ~100

What the hell, eh? Take the longest and worst route home, 14 miles up Stony Point to the bike path and 5 more miles on that. Stony Point just completely totally sucks, riding into the wind, with constant traffic. Plus it's like 90 degrees out. Still, MUST GET THOSE MILES, esp after being a pig all day with chocolate et al., fighting off the Craving Whose Name Will Not Be Mentioned, But Which Perhaps Has Lessened Somewhat, Lo, These Three Weeks.

I was getting bored with the standard route, especially that part of Roblar with the narrow shoulder. Now I appreciate it more again...

1391.0 / 20 / na

Another uneventful ride, just getting here. 70 miles so far this week without actually trying for mileage.

Don't Say a Word (2001): "Don't Pay a Dime" to see this movie. Wait for it on TV, if you bother to see it at all.

Actually it started out pretty good, but then fell back on formula. Michael Douglas, who really runs hot and cold (but made $20M for "A Perfect Murder" and must've made at least 10 for this!), sucks pretty bad in this movie as a perpetually concerned father and wundershrink who has to get info from crazy girl Elizabeth Burrows (played very well by Brittany Murphy, who I'm surprised to find I've apparently seen in not-as-memorable roles). Douglas' "wife" (apparently mostly there for T&A value, yet never delivering T *or* A) and "daughter" (god-awful sickly-sweet, preciously-"bright" kid of whom I've already seen too much) are just plain annoying from start to finish, as is the "tough twenty-something female detective with a chip on her shoulder" who does exactly what you expect her to do scene by scene (is there just one person writing this crap-ola, or do they have to learn it when they enter the LA metro area - as if the state-line inspection stations checked not only for fruit, but for originality and ability to develop characters?). Oliver Platt, however, is -- as usual -- a bright spot.

Was thinking, wouldn't it be cool to have a Rules Wizard for real-life personal interaction just like in email, such that I could deflect everything Joe McCarty says into a convenient wastebasket, and put other people's stuff, by subject text, into convenient folders I could visit later?

Sigh.

1375.1 / 19 / na

No exercise today, but for my one-mile walk. Will ride to work tomorrow. Day 20 of freedom from the Addiction that Dare Not Speak Its Name. Supposedly, it gets easier...

Surfing Blogger all morning, recently-updated blogs. Amazing how many high school kids are on this - I suppose that shouldn't be amazing - where else but a free site? Lots of news-link sites. Ha, "that band Anthrax sure is getting a lot of publicity lately."

The irony of Rush Limbaugh's deafness is not escaping many, is it.

There's a point where you just want to throw up your hands and say "whatever." Everyone's got an opinion about this situation; everyone knows precisely what should be done in the Middle East. And I'm really tired of hearing opinions broadcast as fact. They may quote (or annoyingly, link to) hundreds of news sites to support their opinions, but you can find a news writer to back any opinion you like.

Editing this ... thing ... and it's SO poorly written, it's just sad. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and much of it is learned behavior, but it is such a chore to edit this kind of stuff. Have already almost filled two sides of a page with "Global" edits, like:

replace "prior to" w/ "before."

replace "The xx page allows you to..." w/ "Use the xx page to..."

replace "The following table lists the items that appear on the xx page." w/ "The following items appear on the xx page."

replace "...transaction within <the product>" w/ "<product> transaction"

But I still hate to go past these things page by page (200+ pages) without marking them in some way to make sure they get fixed. I've had this thing on my desk for a week now - usually I have no trouble editing 200 pages in a day.

1375.1 / 18 / na

Bolinas Ridge *rocks*! Managed to get about five miles up the road before tiring and turning around. Then, pretty much five uninterrupted miles of pure downhill fun. Brought the camera; there'll be pictures later.

It's worth all the work of making myself ride to work, forcing myself to take that extra-long route or that extra-steep hill, to get to where I can do these off-road runs without too much pain. Big, big fun!

(Oh, oops, I'm sick today. <kaff, kaff!>)

~1365 / 17 / na

Rode home with Toby to watch MNF, and confirm earlier assessments that riding is a solitary pleasure. Most of the time, one or the other is a quarter-mile ahead. Very seldom can you ride side-by-side and talk. Toby tends to push harder uphill, and then go slower downhill, so that I'm straining to keep up on the uphill, and then losing all momentum hitting the brakes if I'm behind him on the downhill. I never stand up on the pedals to get up a hill - I'm not gonna kill myself trying to get up a hill; am content to be sitting down the whole time. I normally stop more often, drink water, enjoy the scenery a bit. It just wasn't pleasant. From last entry, yes, there are trade-offs, but I probably won't bother with this one again.

Red-tail on the wire along 116. Wonder if the hawks are coming back - still don't have a handle on their migration patterns, as some stay and some seem to go...